Let It Go

The following is an excerpt from a speech given at the Florida School Plant Management Conference in Orlando, October, 2017:

LET. IT. GO.

My father in law was such a disciplined person that whenever he ironed his pajamas on Wednesday night, the poodles would jump into the bathtub, and wait for their baths. JR ( my father-in-law), decided along with my mother-in-law, to stop paying for their poodle grooming. They purchased a pair of electric grooming shears from K mart. That was their first mistake. The second one occurred when they decided to groom Fifi and Peppy on the back porch one late afternoon, as the sun was setting. The results were disastrous ! Poor Fifi had a deep swipe over her left eye, causing her to look like a pirate. Peppy was a mess, looking like he had two tails on his poodle body, because neither of my in laws could bring themselves to trim Peppy’s private parts. The dogs looked so bad, they ended up hiding in the master bedroom whenever anyone came to the door. JR eventually took the clippers back, stating that “ they did not work !”

There is nothing wrong with being adventurous, but sometimes it is better not to try and control everything. As difficult as it can be sometimes, it is wise to let go of some things, and allow others to do what they are good at ( like paying a professional to groom our dogs…) Melodie Beattie supports this thought of letting go, in her book, “ The Language of Letting Go”. She writes, “ Letting go helps us to live in a more peaceful state of mind and helps restore our balance . It allows others to be responsible for themselves and for us to take our hands off situations that do not belong to us. This frees us from unnecessary stress.” It is difficult for us to take our hands off of situations, isn’t it ? Just like my retired neighbor who decided to take it on himself to trim everyone else's shrubbery.

One early morning , while walking in our wooded neighborhood where hawks soar, squirrels scamper up trees, and even an occasional fox trots by; my wife and I spotted one of our retired neighbors walking the half mile circle with a pair of pruning shears in his hand. He would stop in front of an unsuspecting bush which happened to protrude into the road, cut off a sizable branch, drag it to the closest driveway and drop it on the concrete. This amazing behavior took place all around our circle, leaving a trail of dismembered branches and not a few angry neighbors. Though  his intentions were only to “ clean up the place” , he was essentially saying through his actions, “ you guys are doing a terrible job maintaining your yards and common areas ! “ Well that went over like a horse with a kickstand. The irony was , as my wife and I rounded the corner of the development where our pruning neighbor lived, his front yard was filled with vines and overgrowth. You see, it is so much easier to deal with other people’s yards , than to take ownership of our own. How convenient it becomes for me to pull out the pruning shears and start telling others where they need to trim and change, when my own yard … or life, lies in disrepair. This confirms the old wise saying of “ take the plank from your own eye” .

This truth applies in marriage also. Everyone has a different way of doing things, so how do you keep the peace and still get things done ? My wife and I established two rules to live by that have helped save our marriage from excessive conflict. One is , “ Whoever is doing the job is doing it right.” The second is an anecdote for meddling in other people’s business, which simply states, “ That’s not my property.”

My wife doesn’t chop onions the way I do. I don't’ drive in the same manner that she does. We both do some things very different, and this used to be a source of conflict. When one party would voice their concern or disapproval to the other party - BOOM - thunder and lightning baby !  Enter rule number one. If my wife is chopping onions in the kitchen, and I happen to enter to sneak a kiss on her neck ; and begin to voice my opinion about her onion cutting capabilities; she simply recites Rule # 1 : Whoever is doing the job is doing it right. Bam. Point taken. Drop the mic I am officially shut down and shut up. I go my merry way, allow her to slice and dice to her heart’s content ; KNOWING that in the not too distant future, It will be ME reciting Rule # 1 to shut down any criticism. ( probably when I am driving and she is in the passenger seat…) This really works !

Not my property. Three little words that act like a cattle prod jolting a teenager from a Dr Pepper induced sugar coma. Either person in our marriage has permission to pull out this little rule and slap it on the table like an ace up the sleeve. Once you start going down the road of codependency, it is easy to get trapped in the weeds, worrying about this and fretting about that ; or what if this or how about if that happens ? It’s not your property . It’s not my property. Let it go. We take on the burden and stress of situations that we were never destined to carry. Let it go.

Logically, this rule breaks down if you are a manager, because you are paid to help people do things correctly. Understood. There is a difference, though, between encouraging correction and rank perfectionism. Barbara Corkran of “ Shark Tank “ fame says, “ Forget about Perfection. It doesn't exist. “  She reasons that if you can get people to comply with 80% of your goals and guidelines, then you are doing good. Let go of the other 20%. I used to be the perfectionist dad who could see the entire weeded flower bed , yet had to point out the three weeds that were missed.
What we say with that attitude is that it is never good enough- that our kids or our spouse, or our employees can never be good enough to please us. That is insanity ! Yes, we pursue excellence, but we also have to let go of perfection. Our attitude should be one of acceptance instead of judgement and criticism. We cannot attain perfection, so why do we we hold others to a standard that we ourselves fail to achieve ? As Zig Ziglar used to say, “ our attitude determines our altitude in life. “

It is hard letting go of things, isn’t it ? When our hearts, our emotions, or even our reputation is involved ; it is difficult to step back and take our hands off of situations. To find true authenticity in life, we have to walk in truth. Brene Brown refers to this in her book , “ Rising Strong” , when she writes, “ One of the truisms of wholehearted living is, you either walk into your story and own your truth; or you live outside your story, hustling for your worthiness. “

Part of owning our truth is to “ Let Go and Let God.” For me, it has been my faith in a Higher Power - something/ someOne beyond myself - that has enabled me to release things from my life. Bad things. Toxic things. Destructive habits. Harmful relationships. Learning to let go of these things requires power, and I don’t know about you, but I need all of the power I can get. When I let go of harmful things in my life, I let God take the bad and trust Him to replace it with good, peace and hope.

Nothing summarizes this action better than what many call “ The Serenity Prayer” , which goes like this :

God, grant me the serenity ,
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

What things do you need to change today ? What areas are you trying to control that you need to release and learn to accept ? What feels like a pallet of concrete blocks weighing down on your chest ? Let it go ! Let Go and Let God.

Thank you !